A Bitch's Guide to get into Heaven

Hello there. I understand your problem. You are a bitch, and  that’s OKAY.

I assume that you have stopped on this post to figure out how you can get into heaven. Well it is your lucky day, for I have devised a practically fool-proof plan that will make you seem like a better person! Here’s How:

1. Be Fake.

Yes, I know that this sounds horrible, but when you act as if  you care, people will actually believe you care. Smile. Pretend  you are a warm, inviting person, ready to take care of someone when they are down. And when people ask you to do something meaningful for them, you suddenly become very busy. Here’s and Example:

Your Pathetic Friend: [crying]

You: [notices, tries to walk away] *BONUS TIP: try to avoid situations that will test how much you actually care.*

Your Pathetic Friend: [looks up] Letitia!

You: oh…I didn’t see you there. What’s wrong darling? *BONUS TIP: always use empty adjectives when talking to people; you will seem nicer.*

Your Pathetic Friend: [still crying, between sobs:] My dog died.

You:(is she serious?) oh…I’m sorry to hear that. [pats on her back awkwardly]

Your Pathetic Friend: Yea. [still sobbing, bawls] I loved him! I loved him! Now there will be an empty spot in my bed each night!

You: (Bitch you  need a penis. Sitting here crying over a damn dog.) Oh….. [nods] *BONUS TIP: Always nod, it makes it seem like you are listening.*

Your Pathetic Friend: Yes…I just really need you right now.

You: ( um, FUCK that.) Sweetheart, I you know I would, but I can’t. I promised my grandfather that I would visit him today. I have to feed and wash him…you know how that is. I’ll call you later,  ok? *BONUS TIP: When lying on relatives, try to use ones that are already dead. That way, when the person asks about it, you can say that they died the day you went to visit. I know. Brilliant.*

2. Be passive-aggressive.

Don’t like someone? Don’t kill them, make them go insane. I know; it sounds hard and exhausting, but it really is quite easy. You do this by planting little seeds that shatters their self confidence little by little. The end result? A person that harbors as much self-loathing as you have for them. This is the only way you can harm them without getting yourself into trouble with the law. With this technique though, you have to pretend as if you do not hate them, and this goes back to #1, be fake. Only then you can plant seeds like this:

Person Who is Unaware of your Hatred: Hey girl.

You: (why is she talking?) Hi. [pretends as if you are busy] *again with the BONUS TIP of avoiding situations that test how much you care.*

Person Who is unaware of your Hatred: I was just down by the hairdresser. You like? [turns her head from side to side so you can get full view]

You: (This bitch always thirsty for compliments.) Oh yes! I Love it! It makes your forehead seem smaller.

Person Who is unaware of your Hatred: My forehead is that big? Really?

You: (KML!) Well…it’s just so shiny. Maybe if your skin was less oily, people will hardly notice it. I use this apricot scrub to wash my skin, do you want to have it? *BONUS TIP: after every sly insult, offer a solution, so that it seems like you are a good friend.*

Person Who is unaware of your Hatred: Thanks, you are such a good friend. [covers forehead and walks away]

3. Act as if you are innocent

This one is actually a bit more difficult. It requires stealth and ninja- like qualities if you have a problem with staying away from bad situations. You have to do your dirty work with other bad bitches that don’t want their secrets out either, and  finding these type of people is pretty hard. And lying is involved; A great deal of lying. Here’s some of my favorites:

“Hookah? What’s a hookah?”

“I don’t really like how alcohol tastes.”

“You want me to do what? I would NEVER!!!!”

“Weed makes my stomach turn.”

“I’ve never been drunk. Tipsy, at best.”

“I’m trying to stay celibate.”

And my all- time favorite: “I’ve never done this before!”

Trust me, with my direction, you will have everyone believing you are a regular Mother Theresa.  Oh, and about getting into heaven? If these tricks can’t fool God, than you and I are in some deep shit.

© 2013 by Letitia Pratt All Rights Reserved